What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's shark week go big or go home
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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