Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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