The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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