Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
