Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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