You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
