Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
