She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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