Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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