My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
