I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
