I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
