Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
