Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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