I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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