I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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