He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
