I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
