Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
