the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
