I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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