How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
