yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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