so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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