After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize