last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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