right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
