based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
