im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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