WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
