You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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