4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
