You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize