remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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