Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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