She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
