Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
