let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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