Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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