Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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