Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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