it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Terrible idea I love it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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