Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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