She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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