I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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