I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
