I love black thongs
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize