Kiss
Puke
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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