Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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