well you can't waste a boner
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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