there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
