I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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