An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
