i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
