I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
