I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
