everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
