I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Terrible idea I love it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
