I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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