Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
