Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
