I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
