girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
